Changing the Paradigm

I have been spinning on spindles, treadling on my Ashford Traditional wheel with the drive band off, and knitting a lace vest. These were all things that Kelly, my physical therapist, had recommended that I do. I had resisted doing them for a month and a half, because the house is such a mess, piled high with boxes and unpacked bins, that I just didn't want to add to the chaos. but after hearing from my shoulder doctor that he doesn't expect me to make any improvements with the arm, I am determined to do everything possible to get the range of motion back, at least to where I was before the injury. And these are actually helping.

The odd thing is that, by setting up breaks to spin, knit, and treadle, I was able to finish a whole slew of deadline projects. I need to start back to work now on the last few deadlines, sending out Dark Sister for reviews, writing new poems and essays for all of these editors who have requested work, updating my website, posting reviews to my other blog, and finishing Every Family Doubt. But all I want to do is spin, knit, weave, and read about fiber arts. It’s as if there has been this big hunger inside me that suddenly just needs to be fed.

I think part of what I'm dealing with is that I am finally having to come face-to-face with the fact that I am disabled, and I am not going to get everything back that I had before the cancer hit and everything that's happened since. That's a tough fact to face. I have been hoping, for a long time now, that I would once again become the woman I was in 2013, before I had to deal with breast cancer, the surgeries for it, lymphedema, chemo, the goddamn cancer meds, the broken wrist, the arteritis, and the broken shoulder. That's never going to happen.

The chemo and cancer meds put weight on me. I lost it so slowly, only to have the steroids for the arteritis put it back on me. My energy levels and my strength levels have never returned from all the surgeries and chemo and cancer meds, but the shattered shoulder and damage to the back have just lowered all of those levels even further. My mobility is the worst it has ever been. The fatigue levels I'm living with are the worst I have ever known. My stamina and strength are the lowest I have ever seen. It's no wonder that my oldest son thinks I have become this fragile elderly invalid.

Right now, I am having to face the fact that my physical condition may never get much better than this. That is quite sobering. What kind of future lies before me? What will I be able to do? Of all the things that I have been able to do, what will I be able to rescue from the fire of my physical downfall? These are the things I am struggling with at the moment. It's no wonder that I am having difficulties. Perhaps I should be gentle with myself and at least as understanding as I would be to someone else in my situation.

Later--

I've been spinning some lovely white Falkland top on my smallest spindle that I bought from a guy at the Shawnee Mission Fall Fest about ten years or more ago. It's spinning between fingering and sport weight. I can't remember where I bought the top (Yarn Barn, I suspect), but I have about 8 oz. of it. Don't know what I'll make with it when finished.

I'm knitting a multicolored, designed-on-the-needles lace vest like the lace shawls I've done on commission and for gifts.

The reason I'm treadling only on my Ashford Traddy is that I looked into buying a small bicycle treadle machine to strengthen legs and back, but decided treadling my Ashford would do the same thing for me--and I suspect, after weeks of treadling only, my spinning will become more consistent.

A shipment arrived from Spinerosity—two laceweight spindles (1 top whorl, one bottom whorl), a wooden spindle cup, 4 oz. hand-dyed Romney wool roving (green and blue colorway). Both spindles are well-balanced and spin well. The cup works well. The wool is lovely shades and compressed from dyeing, but drafts out nicely. It's stronger Romney, not as soft as some, but very long.

I've started spinning some laceweight singles from that green/blue Romney on the new top whorl spindle to make a 4-ply cable sock yarn. It's turning out lovely.

I've decided to put as much pleasure and creative fulfillment into each day as I can manage, while completing deadlines and doing PT exercises. I suspect this will keep me from sinking into depression and despair, neither of which is a bit helpful. I'm aiming instead for hope and determination.