I
have been spinning on spindles, treadling on my Ashford Traditional
wheel with the drive band off, and knitting a lace vest. These were
all things that Kelly, my physical therapist, had recommended that I
do. I had resisted doing them for a month and a half, because the
house is such a mess, piled high with boxes and unpacked bins, that I
just didn't want to add to the chaos. but after hearing from my
shoulder doctor that he doesn't expect me to make any improvements
with the arm, I am determined to do everything possible to get the
range of motion back, at least to where I was before the injury. And these are actually helping.
The
odd thing is that, by setting up breaks to spin, knit, and treadle, I
was able to finish a whole slew of deadline projects. I need to start back to work
now on the last few deadlines,
sending out Dark
Sister
for
reviews, writing new poems and essays for all of these editors who
have requested work, updating my website, posting reviews to my other blog,
and finishing Every
Family Doubt.
But all I want to do is spin, knit, weave, and read about fiber arts.
It’s as if there has been this big hunger inside me that suddenly
just needs to be fed.
I
think part of what I'm dealing with is that I am finally having to
come face-to-face with the fact that I am disabled, and I am not
going to get everything back that I had before the cancer hit and
everything that's happened since. That's a tough fact to face. I have
been hoping, for a long time now, that I would once again become the
woman I was in 2013, before I had to deal with breast cancer,
the surgeries for it, lymphedema, chemo, the goddamn cancer meds, the
broken wrist, the arteritis, and the broken shoulder. That's never
going to happen.
The
chemo and cancer meds put weight on me. I lost it so slowly, only to
have the steroids for the arteritis put it back on me. My energy
levels and my strength levels have never returned from all the
surgeries and chemo and cancer meds, but the shattered shoulder and
damage to the back have just lowered all of those levels even
further. My mobility is the worst it has ever been. The fatigue
levels I'm living with are the worst I have ever known. My stamina
and strength are the lowest I have ever seen. It's no wonder that my
oldest son thinks I have become this fragile elderly invalid.
Right
now, I am having to face the fact that my physical condition may
never get much better than this. That is quite sobering. What kind of
future lies before me? What will I be able to do? Of all the things
that I have been able to do, what will I be able to rescue from the
fire of my physical downfall? These are the things I am struggling
with at the moment. It's no wonder that I am having difficulties.
Perhaps I should be gentle with myself and at least as understanding
as I would be to someone else in my situation.
Later--
I've been spinning some lovely white
Falkland top on my smallest spindle that I bought from a guy at the
Shawnee Mission Fall Fest about ten years or more ago. It's spinning between
fingering and sport weight. I can't remember where I bought the top (Yarn Barn, I suspect),
but I have about 8 oz. of it. Don't know what I'll make with it when finished.
I'm knitting a multicolored,
designed-on-the-needles lace vest like the lace shawls I've done on
commission and for gifts.
The reason I'm treadling only on my Ashford Traddy is that I looked into buying a small bicycle treadle machine to strengthen legs and back, but decided treadling my Ashford would do the same thing for me--and I suspect, after weeks of treadling only, my spinning will become more consistent.
A shipment arrived from Spinerosity—two
laceweight spindles (1 top whorl, one bottom whorl), a wooden spindle
cup, 4 oz. hand-dyed Romney wool roving (green and blue colorway). Both spindles are well-balanced and spin well. The cup works well. The wool is lovely shades and compressed from dyeing, but
drafts out nicely. It's stronger Romney, not as soft as some, but very long.
I've started spinning some laceweight
singles from that green/blue Romney on the new top whorl spindle to
make a 4-ply cable sock yarn. It's turning out lovely.
I've decided to put as much pleasure and creative fulfillment into each day as I can manage, while completing deadlines and doing PT exercises. I suspect this will keep me from sinking into depression and despair, neither of which is a bit helpful. I'm aiming instead for hope and determination.
